Breaking the If/Then Circle - The Line Between Gratitude and Ambition

The Reason For My Brief Hiatus, & My Personal Story About Balancing Ambition and Gratitude

Hello again! I’m very sorry I was inactive over the past few weeks - I am as eager as ever to get right back onto publishing every week. I had a great excuse for the hiatus - I’m pregnant! I think most that follow this page will know by now, but for those who didn’t this is the reason for the pause behind the posts.

It was a bit rough for a few weeks and that interrupted my ability to really even think about writing. I’m really glad to be here now though and so excited about this week’s post. It’s something I think about a lot, and something I was just thinking about and discussing when I came out to the living room and two people were talking about the same issue on a podcast interview. That seemed like a sign to reflect on the topic!

So let’s get straight into the post :) Hope you have something nice to enjoy reading this with and I can’t wait to hear what you think :)

What is the If/Then Circle?

Well this is a term I made up to describe what pretty much everyone feels: “If I get this, then I’ll be happy”; “When I get this/that/there, then I’ll be happy”.

We stave off our happiness, our enjoyment of life, the appreciation of our current reality, for a supposed future - an imagined one that exists only in our minds - that we are constantly focused on. And which distracts us from the beauty of our current situation.

When you have a spiritual practice, it is a lot easier to see that pattern and understand what to do. For example, I have written previously about the issues with “postponing happiness” in articles like “Not Everybody Wants to Dream Big”, or “It Takes Courage to Slow Down and Stop Rushing”, where I open with quotes like:

“Raking the leaves is not simply to have a clean path to jog or walk along: raking the leaves is just to enjoy raking the leaves.” (Thich Nhat Hanh)

There is no hurry. And in a way, there is no future. It is all here. So take it easy, take your time, and get acquainted with it. (Alan Watts)

But just because you are actively practicing these things, and being mindful of your mindset and feelings, doesn’t mean that you will be 100% great at handling everything, all the time. The “human condition” always catches up with you.

Inevitably you start thinking:

• Would I be happier if I had that? (more money, that job, that gift, that trip, that free time, that book…etcetc…)

• Should I also be doing that?

• Would I be better off if I was doing this thing or that thing instead?

The fact is, “the grass is always greener”, as the cliche goes, is a cliche for a reason. A lot of times, we tell ourselves that for one reason or another something is better somewhere else. “If we only had what they had; If we only earned this amount; If we only got this one more thing;”

So we place ourselves continuously in the “If/Then Circle” - which is in effect the circle of suffering (Buddhism).

It’s really important to break that circle, so that we can enjoy our life, and have the ability to appreciate what we have and realize all the good in our lives. However, here is the key issue of the situation - knowing how to be recognize what is good in your life, whilst not falling trap to “gratitude conformity”. Herein is our next section.

The Line Between Gratitude and Ambition

When we tell ourselves to break that circle of unhappiness, we have some considerations: What are we truly happy about? And conversely, what is helping fuel our drive to make our lives better?

That desire to have to more, to be more, to get what someone else has, is the same desire that can push you to accomplish your dreams and your goals, however big or small - so there is nothing wrong with it, and it should never be stifled.

However, on the opposite side of that coin of ambition, should be the calm head of reasoning and realization. You don’t want to fall into the trap of always wanting more - but you don’t want to fall into the trap of complacency either.

Being grateful and thankful shouldn’t be a hippy thing, where you just say thanks for everything you have, and everything is all good man. Yeah, I love my house! I love this! I love that! That’s not what gratitude is about.

It’s about really having a look inward, when you feel very much like your happiness is dependant on something outward. What are all the real things in your life that you really feel very grateful for? That a younger version of you would see as an achievement? That you already worked for and achieved? How many real things in your life, that you have, really matter to you and mean a lot to you?

These are some of the ways you can ask yourself what you are already grateful for and happy about. It isn’t about listing a million things, or even about making a list at all. It’s just about taking the time to think. What are you already happy about? What should you be already happy about?

Are you chasing something and is that creating tunnel vision for you? Is the prospect of an achievement blocking your ability to see what you’re already happy about? What you already achieved? Or have?

So it’s a fine line. It’s a personal line. It comes down to how you handle yourself, your ambition, your desires, and your reality.

Sometimes when we see something, we think “I would love to have that”; but we don’t always think about the reality of what it would mean to go after it. Would we truly be happy working very hard for 5 or 6 years to achieve X thing? I knew I never wanted to be a trainee solicitor, for example, because of the length of commitment required in a work environment I knew I would be very unhappy in. The prospect of having my law qualification through that route was, for a very brief period, interesting. However, when the reality of the life I would need to lead over the course of 5 years was evident, I knew that - as Han Solo says - “no reward is worth this”.

For me, trying to keep a calm mind that focuses on everything I love about my situation, is what helps see the clearest. When I tell myself that I need this or that thing, I check it against a couple flags:

• Do I think I need that because everyone else seems to have that? Or has done that? Or lives like that?

• Do I want that because it will improve my life in such a way that matters to me?

• Am I letting my happiness depend on whether I get that / achieve that?

And truly, I think this is the key: Reminding yourself not to let your happiness be at the mercy of an achievement. Be happy now, for everything you have right now. Work for what you want meanwhile, but don’t let yourself think that that you need whatever it is you are working towards, before you can be happy.

That is really the key, I think, in managing our feelings, expectations, ambitions, and ability to be grateful. It’s a lot to manage, but we should give ourselves the tools and best chances we can, to do our best every day. We all deserve to be happy - we shouldn’t be in our own way!

Having perspective also helps - don’t get me wrong the ladies in the photo may be super happy - it’s not about them. What I refer to instead is the fact that many, many people are unhappy with what they have, when they actually have so much more than they realize. For most people in developed areas, if they had to do something like the above photo just for some water, or if they lived in a sandy hut instead of where they are now, they would soon change their perception of what “sucks” and what isn’t really a big deal.

My Personal Story About Ambition and Gratitude

An Update on Quitting My Legal Job

Currently I am at a crossroads because I am doing what I love, but do not have as many hours of work as I would like. Previously, I was earning a comfortable salary working in law, but I was very stressed and very unhappy. Legal work itself, I actually love: writing contracts, resolving problems, helping clients, legal research.

What I don’t like is having targets like 5 hours of billable client time every single day; You’ll really only understand the true pressure, nuances and difficulty of this if you have worked in law. I also had a lot of extra responsibilities that weren’t really reflected in my position and pay. I was very overworked, whilst others in my position handled no cases, did no billing, had no client contact, etc etc.

Now that I’m on my way to parenthood, being a free agent with tons of time to sit around painting still sounds great, but the cost of this coming at a substantial salary decrease is no longer something I am ok with. Let’s be straight - I was never ok with that. I never signed up to leave my job in law, to go and earn way less.

Visual depiction of me waiting for some honesty!

The amount I wanted and clearly stated (in text, email, and person) is not very much at all. I was categorically clear on the numerical amount of fixed group hours I needed. He promised and promised. Well, now that I am there and can see for myself all the groups they have, it is clear that the fixed group hours I asked for were never a reality because they simply don’t have that amount of sessions.

Had they been honest with me, I would have just renegotiated my hours and terms and just kept my job in law.

But there we are again: If this, then that. Hindsight right?

No, the above photo is not where I work. They wish!

So now I find myself unhappy with what I am doing, but this is where checking in is so important. I’m not unhappy with what I’m doing, like I was before. I love the actual work and really get along with everyone I teach and they me.

The cons:

• I pretty much despise (to not say hate) the people I work “for”. (I’m self-employed, so I don’t work “for” them per say, they don’t employ me). Of course I don’t actually spend any time or energy on them, but I’m expressing how I feel about their actions.

• I’m also not making the money I planned on making. This one matters.

He should have said “sorry, we don’t even have ten hours of work because we are a very small club with no business”. I should have known something was really fishy when the head coach lives in the garage of one of the players…yikes!

Imagine if I truly depended on the hours I had asked for to pay for my living! WHERE WOULD I BE.

It is this that really frustrates me. The notion that he thinks he can get away with giving me half the hours I asked for, and everything is all good. As some of you might know I put in a lot of dedication, time, and absolute professionalism into making it work with them. I did everything their way, keeping my 30 hour a week law job whilst doing hours for them and having to ask for time off work to do some of the coaching sessions.

At one time it reached a point where I sent him a long text message saying that I didn’t think it would work, and I refuse to keep messing around the partner I work for because he’s always been excellent to me. I said, if things can’t be cleared up or resolved it would be best to leave it. I should have known when he replied “no worries” to a person expressing their professionalism that I was dealing with someone who’s pretty much nuts.

You’ll read this and think, then how and why did you possibly trust them?

It was a myriad of sneaky, conniving things that led me on. There were tons, and I mean tons, of red flags but I chose to ignore them because I just really wanted to go back into coaching. I knew it’s what makes me happiest.

But here we are: without them meeting anywhere near my own demand for making a living, they make daily demands of me for a variety of silly things, through constant text messages! Everything about them infuriates me. I’m sure you can tell. I know they are crazy, super small-town, ignorant people, and I can look past it all and do whatever is best for me, and what will make me happy.

But here is where my personal balancing act between ambition and gratitude comes in.

It feels like a “grass is always greener” type of decision. It can look like that from the outside. “I should have kept my job, I would have been happy.” “If this, then that”

Yes, if I just go back to a legal job, then I will have a great wage and not have to worry. The reality is, while it feels like a “grass is greener” situation, (and it would be, financially and in a couple other ways) my reasoning isn’t coming from there. The reality is that I never signed up to earn way less. That was never my intention - so it’s not that I’m changing my mind or feel differently.

So while I’m grateful that I am able to do what I love…it’s coming at the expense of a few things that I knew from the start I didn’t want to sacrifice, and I had limits on. Of course I was willing to compromise on some things: to gain one thing maybe another thing wouldn’t be as perfect. Makes sense. But usually with work-related things, and most things, I’m pretty clear with myself on what I can put up with / what makes me happy.

And most importantly, with pregnancy also come changes - many of them unexpected in terms of mindset shifts - and your approach to life, both daily and overall, is different. This is a really key factor. One of the main ones even above the money, in fact.

And I’m trying to figure out what would be best, keeping the If/Then circle in mind.

Happiness - gratitude - ambition

Hopefully this will help you with any considerations of your own and you’ve enjoyed reading.

There’s so many roads and paths in life. It’s a natural tendency to second-guess ourselves and ask “what if”