New Beginnings and Seasons of Life
Shopping Cart Visualizations, Memory lane, old friendships, & my tips
Hi and welcome to another post my friends!
The other day I woke up thinking about some old friends, one in particular. He was pretty much my best friend while I lived in Barcelona, Spain (where I lived for over ten years). We met when I first moved there, so I was around 15, and we stayed friends for years, only recently losing touch. And this is what this post is about - losing touch with old friends, losing long-term friendships, letting go of things you figured would probably always be in your life.
So let’s get into it. Do you have any old friends that you recently lost touch with? Do you have any friendships that just fell away? Did you try to stay in touch? Did the other person seem to reciprocate equally?
How do you feel about that friendship or person? Do you regret losing touch and falling out of friendship? Stay tuned till the end of the post where I will bring these questions back around in a new light - so if you feel, like me, that you regret losing that friendship or you miss someone you haven’t spoken to in a while - let’s see how we can move forward and reframe.
My Best Friend
I’ll say his name was Eddie. We did everything together and I can remember all the times we spent together - all the memories. We did so much.
Drinking shots named “Eddie Vedder” in dingy smoke-filled rock bars (across the haze and the smoke in the room I caught your golden gaze” Ian Brown, Golden Gaze); Comic-con; crazy friends discussing philosophy and life at 3am; wandering Las Ramblas in the early morning 4am and thinking when did this become hooker central; his poetry slam gigs; friends’ gigs; waiting in line together for shows; just hanging in the plazas; meeting his brother; sharing so much; not to mention he was always there for me too.
Honestly, I would love to still have him in my life because I feel like what we shared was so special; we were such close friends - I wouldn’t choose to end a friendship like that or let it go - I consider it too valuable.
But life happens. And motherhood has really shown me just how seasonal the seasons of our life are and can be. Sometimes people are just transient like that, it doesn’t matter how much you love them or how close you were or how many special times you shared.
Moving On
We haven’t spoken for probably five years - I tried to reconnect with him, through his girlfriend, and after many attempts I finally managed to get a short chat with him. He then sent a voice note, I sent one back, and we never spoke again. I’ve tried, but he was horrible at replying to his phone even when we were in the same country!
When I thought of him a few days ago, and I remembered all the memories and good times, it really hurt. I actually felt pain in my chest because I missed him, wish we could still chat, and I felt so melancholy for all those amazing times we lived through.
But, the truth is, if you stop and think, things become a lot clearer.
The reality is that we have moved on - we aren’t the same people that we were before. I truly believe our friendship would always be there regardless, but if another person can’t or won’t reciprocate, you kind of have to give yourself the grace and permission to just let it go - to just move on.
It might not feel right, or like something that makes you happy, but it’s probably necessary and will genuinely be what is right. Remember, letting go comes in many different forms and shapes…letting go of friendships can be very hard - but let’s reframe it.
(And here is where I’ll share my tips)
Ask Yourself Those Questions Again
The Shopping Cart Visualization
Do you have any old friends that you recently lost touch with? Do you have any friendships that just fell away? Did you try to stay in touch? Did the other person seem to reciprocate equally?
How do you feel about that friendship or person? Do you regret losing touch and falling out of friendship?
When we hold on to things - be it people, material items, memories, sentiments (rage, anger), we really only damage ourselves.
We load ourselves up. We make our load heavy. Heavier than it needs to be.
Imagine you had to always walk around with a shopping cart. Now imagine that in there, it’s full of the things you had to carry around with you (essentials - whatever these are in your life such as current friendships, partners, children, parents, and all your material items).
Now imagine this: remember, you have to take your shopping cart around with you all day. Now on top of everything that’s already in there, which you have decided you need or is an essential component of your life - now begin to add things, “just because”.
I’m still angry at that person for how they acted (add a metaphorical “melon” to your cart)
I regret the way I acted two years ago (add another melon)
I regret that I still haven’t done or seen or achieved X Y Z (add another melon)
I feel sad over something that happened last year (add another melon)
I miss my friend even though we haven’t spoken in years (add another melon)
This might sound silly, but hopefully it helps you visualize the space and mental “clutter” that holding on to these things can give you.
Depressing isn’t it? Imagine if we all had to walk around with carts showing all of our emotional, mental, and material ties.
Truly, it only weighs you down.
Holding on tightly to the past, won’t bring it back. Holding on tightly to a friendship you no longer have in your life, is just as senseless as putting an extra imaginary bowl inside your already-full shopping cart.
Why do we this?
There are many reasons - but they will likely all be based on fear.
We are afraid to let go. We are afraid to admit that life has grown and changed exponentially since then. We are afraid to redefine ourselves. We are afraid that if we don’t hold on to that item, sentiment, friendship, person, we lose a part of ourselves, our past, our identity.
We are afraid that if we let go, we will forget.
Friends, the truth is…
Nothing about you will change.
Nothing in your life will change.
You will not be any less, you will not be missing out, you will not be losing a part of your history, your identity, or your past, if you release the stronghold on that chain, linking you to that thing - whatever that thing may be!
I have spoken about letting go on here so many times. And as you can see, it is a constant exercise - every day we may find new things we can let go of.
Friendships, habits, regrets, feelings, people, material items…
Don’t weigh yourself down with any unnecessary baggage. Don’t hold on to things out of fear. Give yourself the grace and permission to let things go when you know the time is right.
As for me and my example of my close friend, who I love - I realize now that I have to let it go.
With a big sigh, and definitely some big emotions, I feel like I can open my fist and let that link go - Stop holding on so tightly and just breathe.
It’s ok. It doesn’t mean I love him any less, or our memories will be forgotten or any less important or special.
It just means I’m not carrying the weight - emotionally and mentally - of a relationship that, in all honesty, right - does not exist any longer.
He is not in my life - he is not currently “my friend”. He is not someone I can talk to or call up - effectively he just doesn’t really exist in my world.
So for this week, think of anything that you know can relate to this - and practice with me.
Let’s take a big breath, feel whatever we feel, and let it aaaaall go out.
It’s ok.
With love,
C