TAKE - UP - SPACE: Don't Play Small or Put Yourself Down
My Six Question Practice So You Stop Selling Yourself Short
Hello! Welcome back and I hope you will enjoy this post. This is something I am also working through and I thought it might be useful for anyone else who also feels like they need help with this.
Some say it’s confidence, or self-worth issues, and it can be a number of factors why you might err on the side of not really being honest enough about yourself. For women, it is very common for us to make ourselves small. We may be people pleasers, or really needing acceptance - there’s so many reasons that can contribute to why we may make ourselves small for others - but hopefully this post will help you work through any of these issues.
So let’s make a nice tea and get reading :)
Where It May Come From - Your First Tip
The first tip on this journey is to consider, if you wanted to, your past and see if there are repeating patterns or situations that you can say have probably contributed to this way of behaving. Usually it will be some kind of experience, which can happen at any age, that adds up to making you feel this way. You can feel like you are not good enough, or maybe you lack self-worth, or confidence.
While it’s always good to have a think about the different experiences that may have shaped you into behaving this way, or may have hurt your confidence, it’s more important to then find ways to heal them, so you can move on.
Once you think of a few times/ things/ people / situations that probably contributed, you can then consider addressing this through some of the tips I have shared in previous posts. In general, learning to accept and forgive will be your best helpers when you are looking to recover and heal from things. And even learning to laugh at it or find humour, or find the good that came out of it instead.
Once you realize that there are reasons for why you shaped yourself like that, you can start getting to work!
Don’t Blame Yourself: Hold Yourself Accountable and Start Doing Better - Your Second Tip
Instead of shooting yourself down even more by blaming yourself, just hold yourself accountable instead.
You can do this by thinking about all the times in which you feel you may have made yourself small. I have developed these six questions to work through different situations.
Did you really? (make yourself small, do that, feel that way, or not?)
Why?
What happened?
Did you get what you wanted out of it?
Did it even matter in the end?
Did you end up suffering because of it instead?
Already, you may be thinking of a time where you sold yourself short to others - maybe to fit in, or be liked, or for work - and as you skim the questions you know that the answers to 4 and 5 will likely be “no”!
It’s so hard sometimes for us to see ourselves clearly - and other times it might simply feel hard to just be yourself. Society isn’t designed for you to openly and freely be yourself.
Instead, everything is geared around fitting in.
Interviews that ask you if you are a “team player”
The constant emphasis on “teamwork”
Performance assessments that gauge how well you “work in a group”
School, where there are cliques and all sorts of “fitting in” issues
Work, where you try to “bond” with colleagues, and “work well with others”
Social life, where unwritten “rules” or pressures demand your courtesy
Take work: you know that it is encouraged for coworkers to get along, and in fact you may even have attended a work meal or planned activity - there are many of these in the legal world. Where you have to stand around and chit chat and pretend to be friends with people that you have absolutely no interest in. Situations arise where people have very different views to your own - and depending on the time and place you will either be true to yourself and speak your mind, or you may have to begrudgingly agree or make non-committal remarks about something you may actually feel very strongly about.
Other times, you simply have to make idle chit chat and pretend to be someone you are not: a boring, simple person who worries about the traffic, has no substantial hobbies, interests, or personal achievements. Meanwhile, you are actually someone who may practice black belt karate and 5 hour meditations. Instead, you need to pretend to be “just like everyone else”. Simple. Inoffensive. Not special.
That way, there’s no questions, you don’t stand out, people don’t make assumptions about you, and you’re left alone.
Is this really why you sell yourself short? You know others also won’t really understand - that’s a huge issue for myself personally. you may also feel like if you were to share any tidbit of your real life, others wouldn’t really believe it, let alone understand it. If you are in that boat, I am too!
While technically, this can be seen as simply playing it safe and “fitting in” at work so you have no issues, you are hurting yourself because you are forced to make yourself very small so that others won’t judge you, and will accept you instead.
These kind of day to day situations happen a great deal: Someone says they want ice cream instead of donuts, but you really want ice cream. However, instead of compromising or choosing yourself, you choose what the other person wants.
From work to simple every day situations, to relationships, and more, you may find there are so many times when you have made yourself small. Isn’t that just a shame?
Putting It Into Practice Through the Six Questions
So if we go back to the above questions, think about a time where you made yourself small.
Did you really?
Why?
What happened?
Did you get what you wanted out of it?
Did it even matter in the end?
Did you end up suffering because of it instead?
Here’s is a helpful breakdown to consider as you work through these:
Did you really: Do you think you really did?
Why? Why do you think you did. What did you say or do and what do you think you should have said or done? and: Why did you make yourself small?
What happened: Did the other person accept you? Did anything actually happen at all, or did you just feel better in your own mind? Did doing this make you think that you were “safe” and would be “accepted”. Maybe that’s all that happened?
Did you get what you wanted out of it: Did anything happen as a result? Did you want anything to actually happen? Or were you just too scared to be unapologetically yourself?
Did it even matter in the end: Did getting what you want really matter, in the scheme of life, and especially in consideration of how you feel? If you got nothing out of it, did it even matter then to shrink yourself down so small, just to be accepted? If it was years ago, can you honestly say that it has made an actual impact or difference in your life - in a positive way? Think very carefully…!
Did you end up suffering because of it instead: If you didn’t get anything out of it (and even if you did!) can you honestly say you did not suffer because of it? Are you not now sitting here thinking about that time where you should have been honest, or should have been open, or confident, or courageous?
These six questions are so pivotal for helping you work through each of those times. Take your time and maybe even answer them for as many of those times you can think of where you feel like you let yourself down and played small.
Take Up Space
Take up space. From now on, from right now, from here on out. Fill the journal, write big, write sloppy, open a word document and type it all out, don’t edit it and don’t make it cohesive or tidy.
You don’t need to do anything for anyone other than for yourself (you know what I mean).
It’s so important that we each learn to take value and worth in ourselves so that we can become the best versions of who we are, and give the best of ourselves too (when we choose to share or show that energy).
You are an important person and you have so much value. Don’t let the world, society, friends, people, strangers, rules, or anything ever make you feel like you can’t be yourself or you aren’t enough, or you aren’t worthy.
Take up space, and live freely, and honestly.
With all my love,
K <3